Monday, 06 April 2009
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INTRODUCTION
It’s amazing when writing this kind of story. Telling myself and to others of who I am. In this book you will find different stories about my life. It’s a wonderful thing when expressing and imparting my being to others. These stories will surely touch other hearts. It is really arduous when you find yourself being stuck in the empty corner that no one ever dare to touch for affection, now it is the time that I could abdicate of what is inside of my envelope as being. Who is trying to be mean in this world? I am a human who is trying to fulfill my unselfish desire and trying to show what really life must be. Though we have peculiar story in life but what matter most is we deserve to express the real person of this envelope. These stories are telling about my life though, it is just superficial of my hole being but I gave my best for you to know that behind my name is another person who is digging on the sea just to find the hidden treasure that would mean a lot.
This book entitled, who I am? It is the best book that would open the windows of everyone’s reader that would change other perspective in life if you dare? It is really me; I am who I am created with passion, beautifully and wonderfully. A person who is looking through my real name. Though I already found out that I am a son of GOD, no matter what people say, what really matter is me, myself who is writing my personality in this empty white paper. You may find in this book some wayward things as part of my self but never look all those things because behind those words are real and written with blood of heart. People may easily found dirt on an empty white paper but beyond those obscenity things are pure that would show how deep is the sea, that you would really have to measure before you will find the hidden diamond lying in a soft and gentle white sand. In every words written in this page, will tell you how prosaic my ink is, but the dullest ink would really pierce individual’s heart, that would open your mind as well. May God enlighten those who are going to read the passages of my life.
FAMILY
“A treasure and inspiration”. I am living far from them. Now I am with my cousins and my eldest sister. It’s difficult when I am not with my family. They mold me of who I am now but there are some regrets. We are poor and don’t have any picture of my whole family. But I can describe them. My mother is not tall. She is the most beautiful and my father is a farmer with curly hair same as with me. I have 6 siblings. They are living in Dumaguete from the mountain of Canaway, the most beautiful and cleanest place ever. My family is my treasure, they really mean a lot in my life. They are one of my inspirations that push me to do everything and do what is must. I really missed them a lot. For 3 years and 3 months I never saw them. It is a burden for me, for not being with them. Though I really wanted to be there but I can’t do anything. They cannot afford my expenses for my way home. There is the eagerness in my heart and something is missing in the puzzle. But I know there is the right time that I can be with them.
I remember when I am with them. Their smile, their laugh, their inspiring words and their love for us. I thought that it is the best thing to do, living far from them but now it’s really hard. It seems that I cannot stand without them. When I am alone I really search my heart and talking to GOD and asking can you please carry me in the place where I wanted to be. When I have problem I wanted to call them but I can’t. I really don’t know what will do for not having them. I thought I cannot live without them but those things made me strong, that I am Jovanny who can stand with my own feet.
EDUCATION
Now I am taking up BSN not being in love with this profession though I’m trying to be the best however it really affects my performance in my study. I finished my elementary with honor but unfortunately in high school with nothing. Education makes people wise, makes people differ from other. It makes us radical, because of education I am here in this place. Education is one of my dreams and willing to sacrifice just to have it. I came here in Z.C. for study as what my grandfather told me, but unfortunately I was not. I stopped studying for almost 2 years. Supposed to be I am now in 4th year level. In my life I really wish to be in college. Now it is in my hand that’s why I strive hard and willing to catch the bull’s eye. Since in first year I am doing my best because this is what I wanted to be.
Education that would really bring you to the top of the mountain. It’s a treasure and no one dare to steal it from you. It’s a brilliant that would shine in the hill that people would tell you, because of education you have what it takes. Education makes me knowing of what I wanted to know in my life. Its one way of searching of our being in this world. Because of education it makes me skeptic. It molds me as philosopher philosophizing matter in this world. It makes me a human who exist. Education that needs heavy effort just to have it, before having it, you need a lot of tears and sweat. Sweating and crying just to pass the exam, just to be on top. Tears that would really test your ability and capabilities.
RELIGION
Confusing when I was young talking about religion I don’t know what does it mean. Why do people fight for religion? Does religion important? I am in vexed thinking what would be the best for my own good. Should I follow what religion told me to do just to go in heaven. What is religion? An organization where people follow what it teaches? Religion is warlike for me.
Well, I am Christian I am not just a Christian by name but a Christian who knows whom he follows. Christian means a follower of Christ not for religion. People do good, praying, following commandments, reading bible, for one reason they wanted to be in heaven. Do you think that it is the way to be in heaven? Does religion can save you? Of course not. Jesus Christ alone is the only savior and GOD and no other. Because of him we have salvation, he died in the cross showing how deep his love is, encompassing of who we are. Jesus told us “I am the way the truth and the life. Jesus alone is the only way to be in heaven, accepts him as only savior and GOD. Doing well is just a manifestation of what we have, our salvation. It is a grace from GOD. It is neither by our deeds nor our works so that no one can boast. Praying is our day to day communication with GOD and reading Bible is a food for our spiritual life. Look at the cross and imagine the blood of JESUS poured out just for us. We are all undeserving; we didn’t do anything just to save our own life. GOD gave his only begotten son just for us. GOD created everything of what we have right now. But when we are in trying situation we blame GOD for not having of what we wanted to have. GOD gave us everything; the only way to have it is to recognize him that GOD is provision. Look at yourself, how little you are. Why would you blame JESUS? It is not just to blame someone that causes you nothing. I myself was like this, blaming GOD for not having my wants. But when I tried to imagine myself standing in a corner and try to detach my self and zoom out. I found out that I am too small to boast and to hold things that I didn’t own. Then I talked to GOD. LORD there is no reason to hold back of what I have. Here I am lord I offer my life. But I always failed but GOD still accept me of who I am. When I have a problem I didn’t look at it as big coz I have a great GOD. When I was in first year, I tried to relinquish everything of who I am before. I am confused with my identity. I am afraid that people would tease me of how I look like. I tried everything just to change of who I am before. But I am stucked with my wants. I can’t move on from my past. Then one day I met GOD and he told me, if you want to change then follow me. I am so blessed with my GOD for he is the process of changing lives even though I am always failed but I know I am in the process of changing. Without GOD I am nothing. GOD is the only one who can fill my empty heart and broken life.
Now I belong in JAMC, JESUS AND ME CIRCLE lead by kuya mark floyd bilang. We did a lot of things, jamming, praising and worshiping GOD. It really helps me to be what I wanted to be. Every Sundays we meet from 3:00-5:00pm. I invite you to come! See you in the finish line, so run the race!
PARANORMAL EXPERIENCED
When I was in high school. I spent a lot of times playing cards with old ones, I heard lots of hearsays that our neighbor is manananggal. I played cards with her. It was late at night almost 12 midnight. I decided to stop the games and claiming that my parents will scold me. I told her that I am afraid to go home, then she said ‘don’t be afraid what you think is not true” and I wonder why, she knows what is in my mind that I am afraid of manananggal. She told me to bring light, then I barrowed flashlight. When I started to walk, I hear the chinning of acoustic music, raucous sound of utensils. Near in acacia tree I saw the light that caught my attention. I ran as I could lift the flashlight it seems that I am floating in the wind. But when I reach the mango tree. I saw that the branch of a mango trees seems like it is vowing.
I look in my right side then I saw a dark lady wearing thin black shirt with bulgy eyes and staring at me. Oh my gush! Then I shout and calling for help. Thank GOD someone heard my help. Then on that night I cannot sleep thinking of what had happen. It was my unforgettable experienced.
LOVE AND RELATIONSHIP
Love is blind but neighbor can see. Love moves in mysterious way. Its give and take. It is part of growing old. What does love means? Can we define love? Why do people fall in love? I don’t want to be in love coz I know it will hurt you when your relationship gets bitter, when I was in high school; I fell in love with someone. It was my first time, when I am with them, I felt happy, and my heart is trembling. It brightened up my day. My heart is jumping when that person passed on my way. I don’t know if that person felt the same the way as I do. When I look to that person. Oh my gush! It really makes me crazy. Thinking every night and hoping…hehe!
But those things were slapped on my face. It was forbidden love. It’s a sin being in love as the way of who I am. Perversion is a sin. It cost me pain when I reminisces all those things. I know it makes me mature. A foolish heart that falls in love that causes agony. hehe! I am already 19 and don’t want to be in love with human. I hate people walking while holding their hands. Kissing in the streets and whatsoever. Envy! Hehe.. Not so.
When I was alone, I searched my heart, why I am like this? Why do I have this kind of heart? Why I am not blessed with a real man’s heart? Why do people in love? What is in love that makes people in love? If there is no love in love, would you sill say that its love? I hate to be like this. Why? Why?
I walked alone in the road, hearing what people say. It’s dark and doesn’t know where to go. Asking myself what is in me that I am like this? I heard the bird singing, jumping from branch to branch. I wish I am one of them. I can see the clouds floating in the sky. It seems that it would rain. Same as with me who is in nimbus state and wanted to poured out this heavy burden. Sitting in the sideways, listening to the music and wishing to be a music that would touch other heart. Searching a light from the dark, questioning, if the darkness is gone, are you sure that the sun will shine? How about this empty and confused heart? Would someone dare to open? I don’t know!
I’m still walking and walking until I found the light. Lifting my heart and pierce the hardest heart of mine. I love him because he loves me also. He knows me well than with me. He knows my weaknesses, he lifts me up when I am down and he is with me when I am in the top. His face is brilliant and shining that attracts people most. He suffered a lot for me. He gave me everything and will give me everything of what I want. He is with me when I am alone. Now I am running the race with him coz after this race is the crown of life. In him I am in comfort, it brightens my day. In him I found myself and knowing that I am his son. Thank GOD for you are my all! You accept me of who I am. Thank you for loving me.
MY FIRT DANCE
Dancing with rhythm
Sweating like working
Jumping with rope
Walking with sweet nothings
We say cha-cha, tango, rumba,
With a little twist and good foot steps
Smile for she is smiling
Just give a little kiss for her heart is dancing
Sitting while saying sweet words
Thinking of what will happen tomorrow
Her smile, make my heart beats fast
But I’m so tired for she did not come
For our dance was already done.
LIKES/DESLIKES
It’s a human nature to have unwanted things in life, like me a human who hate people who are trying to sit in the throne where they are not capable with. Who is trying to be abundant and with pride. I hate people those who hate me which is not the good side of me coz a Christian never hate his enemy instead love him as you love yourself. I am trying….I felt pity for them for they are ignorant and blinded with earthly things. I hate people who are great pretender as well as liar and lazy people; sometimes I hate myself for craving human desire and disobeying God’s command. I hate messy place, noisy and public places. I don’t want being misunderstood of what I am doing as well as people judging me of how do I look and act. But on the other side. I have lots of things that I love most. I love philosophizing things, looking beyond what thing is, not necessarily all but sometimes physical appearance can be. I love cooking and wanted to know more. I love all food except exotic. I love writing and expressing my behalf. I love being alone and thinking about myself and my future..hehe!
Likes/Dislikes
Wake up in the morning with eagerness
Utensil in kitchen seems dancing
Cooking with a little salt and spices
Eating foods with joy and happiness
Walking that seems like flying
Birds are dancing and fly with the wind
Empty heart, empty soul, and wanted to sing
Fulfill my emptiness for my life is dying
Dancing in disco which I am not with
Cheating and talking nonsense sometimes I am
Doing green things, green jokes which I hate most
Oh! I’m so tired of this filthy stuff
Philosophizing cause me to think
Thinking while walking causes me worth
So I am worthy to love and to have
GOALS IN LIFE
Human differs from animals for we have ambition, aim in life that will carry us. We have unique ambition in our life. Ambition is wants not needs; we can survive without ambition but what matter most is, it will lift up our name. People say that you can go as far as you can see. Absolutely! As long as we have mission/vision in life then we can be what we want. But what matter most is our journey and who we are when facing and walking to our destination.
I have a lot of ambition in my life. In the future I want to be a nurse, I want to be rich and prove to the people that I can stand and can lift my name high. I want to be a nurse for the sake of earning dollars. I want to help my family and give them the best and all they want. I wish to have my own house and lot, businessman and shareholder as well and to have foundation name after my name. There are my shallow ambitions.
In my Christian life. I want to be someone whom GOD can use me a lot. I want to stand in the stage, preaching the good news about GOD. I want to be like kuya mark. He is intelligent. Good model as a Christian. It’s my aim in life to be what I wanted. I want to overcome my fear facing and talking to other people. I feared a lot especially when I am going to talk in front. I want to be a worldly Christian, serve more to GOD, a leader who can influence people. A person who knows how to value life and a person who knows and capable of fulfilling GOD’S purpose. I want to be equipped with GOD’S word and a man after his own heart. I want to be a real man with a heart like David, a shepherd who doesn’t allow harming his sheep. I want to be someone name jangas jovanny. Someone who live not for selfish desire and who live in accordance with God’s word.
Soar high
Fly high for the clouds is in the sky
Make a ladder for you to rise
Face the thunder for the sun will comes after
Take a step and learned to fall
Stand up for your knees are strong
Hold on tight for you have GOD
Never lose hope for he is provision
Live for purpose cause it is not about you
We say pray, we admire, for he created us
Look forward coz the reward is waiting
Good life, better future and greater GOD
SELF INNER
A challenge in life is like a bottle of wine sometimes strong and sometimes hot. A spices of life that makes me complete. A rough way that makes me realized that I am here. A water of life that fill me. A sealed bottle that I want to open. A lace of life that makes me strong. A heart of sacrifice and a ribbon of success. I’ve got to keep breathing coz tomorrow the sun will rise who knows, what the tide could bring and take one last look to the island that disappear with clouds.
Sacrifice is one of the spices in life through this it makes me real one but sometimes I keep on thinking that I want to escape from this mother womb. I want to detach myself from this rocky road but blessed enough that there is someone who are willing to help. Working with your heart makes you success; you can overcome this battle against this cramped vision. A spice in life doesn’t mean it makes your food tastier but it is also the hindrances of what we wanted to be, but this thwarted success makes my life colorful. It gives me more chances to philosophize oneself by simply asking, who am I?
I jangas jovanny, it is not just a name, do I know my self? Is it the name that I am now? No it’s not me, but it’s me looking and sacrificing to be me. It’s not me from my younger age but it’s me looking and growing old. I am just a simple person. I don’t know if I have been in love. Hehe! Do love moves in mysterious way? Don’t know! I think its right but well that is not important because I haven’t fell in love. I think it was just puppy love. I want to escape this love I don’t want to be in love. I want to kick off this love. I myself think if I have freedom. Do I have? I’m sure I have, if I can eat, cook, sing, study, then that’s it.
Sometimes I am confused, which I should follow, my heart or my mind? Sometimes my heart doesn’t work with my mind. When I choose that thing my mind doesn’t feel but my heart saying yes. I think my heart has its own mind and my mind has its own heart. Hehe. I know I can handle this coz im still learning. Everything is changes except change itself.
CONCLUSION
I couldn’t be on this way if I am not with my self. I saw a lot of changes, from now on, I really change a lot. I couldn’t tell if I changed if I am not with my past and I couldn’t arrive this far without my experienced.
Before I am a self centered person, fulfilling my worldly desire, thinking about tomorrow, worry a lot for I don’t trust someone. Before I just kept my secrets. It’s crowded inside and seems to burst. I was hard headed person, doing things that cause nothing. Watching green things, green jokes, and doing green things. I was imprisoned by my own self and getting hard to escape from my tomb. It’s filthy, full of unwanted words, living with worldly nonsense people, listening to someone that is bad influence. But now there is a great transformation, from darkness to light. It lightens up my burden for I was able to renounce my emotions with blood. There was a brink substantial self transformation. Though it is really hard to change of who I am especially my character and my attitude. God revealed a lot of things that cause transformation for God is a process of changing lives. Now I learned to put myself, recognizing myself as existing being with purpose. A person who value others and the importance of things. Because of this scrapbook, it added my courage, it help a lot and one way of imparting myself truthfully. What impress me causes me to change because of him; I am now where I am.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
GOD has been so good that makes things work together, for his undying and extreme love, for his revelations, enlightenment, for providing my needs, for his mercy and untiring support that lighten u my day.. For my uncle who supported me financially, for my family together with their inspiring words. For Ma’am MA. Shiela Patino, for giving us chance to express our feelings and emotions through the use of this scrapbook. And of course for my self, who was willing to accept all the hard works, through tears and joy and also for JAMC family for their spiritual support.
My literary pieces
Sense
sense..... Its nothing when u are living in senseless world... a lot of things that we should have to input in our life but questioning would be the answer of our senseless world..... Ask that seems to be nothing seems to be unfamiliar....unusual...common thing that we ignored...even its familiar but if we go deeper we will find the true essence of questioning...................sometimes I detached my self from the reality.... I want to overcome as what I am now to overcome man..... Wow!!! Try to detach your self then u will find ohhh I want to....!! DREAM !! HOPE !!! WISH !!I
AM WALKING IN THE WINDING THOUROUGHFARE, WATCHING OVER THE PLACE THAT I PASSED BY. I AM WALKING WITHOUT KNOWING WHERE TO GO. SHOULD I STOP OR KEEP GOING. IM SO TIRED OF DOING LIKE THIS! SOMETIMES I STAYED ON THE ROOFTOP. I TRIED TO RELIEIVE THE SADNESS THAT I FELT. LISTENING TO THE RYTHYM OF MY HEART. THE BIRDS WERE SINGING AND DANCING EVERY BRANCH OF MALUNGGAY TREE. I WISH I CAN DO THE SAME AS WHAT THEY CAN. THE CLOUDS SEEMS LIKE WATER FLOWING IN THE RIVER. IT WAS SO BRIGHT THAT GAVE MY MIND AND MY HEART’S HOPE. IT SHOWED THE PURITY OF EVERY PERSON. BUT HOPING I AM.
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